“But I will sing of your strength; I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning. For you have been to me a fortress and a refuge in my day of distress.” Psalm 59:12

I’ve told you so much and then again there is so much more that I want to say.

Selah’s first year has gone by so fast, but so rich in wonderful memories.  She truly is a joy.

I have been taken aback at what an “easy” baby she has been. Such a blessing. She’s as sweet as can be and so smiley all the time.

All the trials leading up to Selah being born really helped me to love and savor every second with her.  This article from Tim Keller was so true in my life.

My suffering actually increased my joy, even in the here and now.

Right before she was born my grandmother (who had been diagnosed with cancer years before) became very sick.  We had conversations hoping that she would still be alive when Selah was born.  What a gift to be able to call her and tell her that she had another “cookieface”

In July her health quickly deteriorated, but I was able to make a trip up to visit her in New Jersey. Selah and I flew up there and spent some sweet and precious time.  I love that my grandmother got to hold her great-grandbaby and show her to all the nurses.  I love that I was able to read Scripture to her and pray for and with her. I love that I got to listen to funny stories about myself when I was a little girl that remind me of Brianna.

I also got to eat alot of bagels, crumb-cake, and drink lots of Yoo-Hoos

My time there was precious.

As I walked out of the hospital to drive to the airport, it was awful.

I knew that this was the last time she would give me hug and kiss me goodbye.

It was very painful, but there was something about that pain that was just pain and not despair.

For a long time when my heart hurt, it really hurt. This time was different.

A little bit before Selah turned six months old, she got a cold.  Nothing major, in a few days it turned into a cough.

Then the cough got much worse.  I actually got sick to and we decided to go ahead and and take her to the doctor because she had scared me a little bit the night before not being able to catch her breath. She was having these coughing fits.  I had been up all night with her so Kyle took her in.

The pediatrician at first just thought she had a cold, but right before Kyle got up to leave she had another “episode” and the doctor became very concerned.  She told Kyle that she thought Selah might have pertussis (whooping cough) and needed to go to the hospital to be tested.

When he called and told me all of this I really didn’t believe it.  No  way.  I was careful to look it up on the internet just to see what it was (I thought it was like the croup) Alot of times I can tempt myself to fear by reading way to much information on the internet about my kids ailments,etc.

There was no getting around the fact though that this was a serious and scary thing.  I really didn’t think she had it.  The did a swab at the hospital but it took a few days to get the results. In the mean time she was so sick.  She would have these coughing fits and in the middle of them stop breathing

I’m not kidding.

Either Kyle and I would pick her up (if we weren’t holding her already) to make sure she started again.  She was highly contagious (thankfully our other children had been immunized) so we were on our own. Every day my doctor would call and we would discuss whether or not she should be admitted to the hospital.

I forgot to mention that this was all a few days before thanksgiving.

Oh and the test came back positive.

I was so physical weary and on edge from listening and jumping if I heard the tiniest cough. The doctor told us she could be sick for 6 weeks and it had only been two. There was absolutely no medicine that could help her.  We were all on antibiotics so that eventually we all wouldn’t be contagious.

I am convinced that the Lord used this circumstance to show me that He had been at work in my life.  To show me that His Word is true and it does not return void. To show me that for great trials there is great grace.  That there is new mercies every morning.

“The greater our present trials, the louder our future songs be, and the more intense our joyful gratitude.” Spurgeon

The day after Thanksgiving I got a call that my grandmother had passed away.

I struggled for a bit about God’s timing in all of this. Why today? Why right around the holidays???

Her twin sister told me, “Joyce loved to shop, its only fitting for her to die on Black Friday.”

She was right. 🙂

When arrangements were being made it dawned on me that Selah and I were both contagious.  There would be no way possible for her or I to make the trip up to New Jersey in the winter with how sick she was.  Even if I could leave her, I was still contagious.

I couldn’t believe that I would not be able to make my own grandmother’s funeral.

I had to trust God’s plan and sovereignty. I had to exercise faith in what I could not see at all. I had to wait on the Lord, trusting that he would continue to sustain me. That he would comfort my heart that was just broken.

And that He did in a way that I will never forget….


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